I went out to karaoke last night. Its been a while since I have wanted to go out and stay out late. It was a nice change of pace to feel like myself again and actually desire to go out and spend time with people in a very social setting. That "fun" "social" part of me left for a little bit and I did not know if it would ever return. I didn't know if it was a growing up and maturing thing....or if a part of ME had died, out of fear or boredom or lack of motivation. It feel strange when I change. I always try to analyze it....is it good or bad, healthy or harmful. I guess with my Psychology background, I question motives and behavior. Maybe thats why its hard to trust other people. Maybe its why I question people's actions - always wondering if there is more to the story.
Before I continue let me explain that I feel great. Emotionally, physically, psychologically - I feel good. I won't sit here and type out all the reasons why I SHOULDN'T be feeling good, because frankly these reasons just don't matter. I FEEL good and thats all I care about right now. of course there are other questions that come to mind. I preface this to let you know I have questions but my questions aren't self-loathing or ones that come from depression. They are merely questions I have about myself.
Everything I have in life in THEORY. Let me rephrase that : Everything in life is theory! We don't know anything for certain. We think we do. We convince ourselves and others that we are experts in a certain subject, but we really don't know if our "facts" are factual.
Sometimes I wish God would whisper reasons into my ear. Reasons for behaviors. Reasons for thoughts. The larger picture...and reasons for what happens.
I am not entirely happy (but remember, I am not wallowing in it) with the way I act when certain people are or aren't around. I turn into that girl I have always been. When will I get passed this? While I don't have the same thoughts and motives that I had in my younger days...my behavior seems to sometimes display that same characteristics. Will it stop? Is it a problem? Is there a larger reason why I do it?
I feel like I act too much that I am constantly keeping score. I do this because you did that. I'll buy this time because you bought last time. I feel like I am always trying to even out that score. Like an Even Steven.
I am much too involved with other people's affairs. I want to know why someone took a day off or who they went to breakfast with or a museum. I mean, C'MON! Why do I need to know other people's lives?? I am not even talking about a lover. I am just talking about....people I know. Was it that my mother was TOO involved in my life? It would make sense. She had her nose in EVERYTHING. She would drive by places I was supposed to be to make sure I was there. She would listen at my bedroom door when I was on the phone. No one gave my privacy at home. Dad, brother, mom would barge in my room anytime they wanted. Sometimes I would be undressing, HOW AWFUL IS THAT!!?? So yes there wasn't much personal space or privacy. SO maybe I never learned how to give people that. Even today, when I was at my parents house, my mom will talk to me when I am in the bathroom. I know I do that with my boyfriends. I'll follow them in there and want to continue talking while they are peeing. CRAP!!! Oh my gosh!!! I don't want to be like that. I want to give my kids space and privacy. But I have a feeling I will go through their backpacks, read their journals. I am pretty sure my mom did that to me. She found cigarettes, letters from friends, certain clothes I had. Man, that sucked! Now that I am thinking about it. She was like a police dog.

If you don't have your health...

I once heard my neighbor say "If you don't have your health, you've got nothing". How true is this statement! Just ask someone who is suffering from any illness, or even you when you wake up with the flu and can't even get yourself out of bed to get something to drink.
There are a lot of things we can live without. You don't NEED a larger income, the new car, a body like a model, or even that cruise you've been planning for. What you do need is your health! Without your health, nothing else matters. You are paralzed.
I wish I take advantage of my high spirits and fun-loving nature, before I got sick. Not that I won't be healed...soon, I will. I just wish I hadn't let all the years, days, even just an afternoon slip away without enjoying every single second.

On a much more serious note: I hate being sick. I miss my health. I miss the way I was when I felt good and happy and healthy. Hopefully, this has taught me to never forget how grateful I am for each and every healthy day. And I hope you don't either.

Hope is the driving force

Hope. Hope is what gets people up in the morning. Hope inspires people. It gives them the energy, strength, and drive to keep going. In my professional life, I have noted that HOPE is the savior for the suicidal. Having hope is the difference between life and death, in some cases.

Today, I found hope. I have been HOPEless for a while now, not looking forward, growing impatient and irritated. Lately, I have felt that the hope I once had is gone. The hope in a future, my future plans and dreams got beaten down by pesisimistic views and thoughts.
Today, is a new day. Today wasn't necessarily the best day of my life. Actually, physically it wasn't a good day at all. I have felt weak, useless, unlike myself. But now I feel revived and.....HOPEFUL.
I was looking up things about Julian, trying to find out a prediction on how it will snow. Looking through all the lovely Bed and Breakfasts they have there intrigued me.
Now its just a simply hope that is pulling me along today and making me feel more refreshed, now that I have something more to look forward to. My hope is merely the excitement of one day being able to go to one of those beautiful Bed and Breakfasts, to walk around Julian holding hands with the man I love and holding each other closer to keep warm. My hope is just in the thought of one day playing in the snow, looking up at the sky and having snow flakes fall on my nose and chin. Its getting so cold that my cheeks turn pink and I wrap my arms around my coat to pull in the warmth of my body.
Its picking pumpkins from a pumpkin patch, taking them home and craving them. Perhaps making a pumpkin pie or pumpkin soup with the insides.
Its the cold nights when I drink tea and soup to keep warm. Its putting on socks because my toes are so cold.
Its eating hot dogs and tater tots on a weekend afternoon.
All this....small stuff...This is my HOPE. These are what keep me going and keep me feeling well and happy.
They aren't complicated. They aren't "fabulous" or even fancy. But its just what I want. Its my HOPE. And this Hope is simply looking forward to these simple things.....but its these simple things that make life wonderful.

What a day

So today started out really well - cheerful attitude, great conversation with Gema, feeling encouaged and empowered. I was feeling great. Nothing could get me down....
Well, then about 5 minutes later, I developed a horrible stomachache. I was in Balboa Park, trying to enjoy being outside on this beautiful San Diego day. Looking in the lily pad pond, went into the green house. Then, the stomachache seemed to get worse. So much worse that it forced me to leave Balboa Park. As I drove home, my stomach hurt so much that I almost had to pull over. It was the strangest feeling. I made it home but was so weak from the pain that I could barely move. I laid on the couch, but it did not help. I managed to take a nap, which was nice. I woke up around 3pm - still with my stomach churning in pain. At this point it had been hurting for nearly 4 hours.
I tried to eat something, but wasn't very hungry. I managed to eat a banana.
I waited until 3:30pm then had to cancel my evening plans that I was really looking forward to.
I laid on my bed for an hour or so and then tried to eat a peanut butter sandwich.
It is now 6:35pm and I feel better. Instead of the pain being an 8 1/2 on a scale on 1 to 10, it is now at more of a 2. I still feel a bit of a stomachache but obvoiusly not nearly as bad.
Hmmmmm....I can't figure out what it is.
I am definitely not getting very good luck in the health department lately.
I think from now on, when I am back to being healthy (only God knows when THAT will be) I will be that much more thankful for my health.
To be honest, today really sucked. I had errands to run, things to do, plans with friends...and I did NOTHING. Nothing at all. Just laid around in pain. Not even Seinfeld came me any relief.
Hopefully tomorrow is better!

My new blog....and stuff

Since facebook doesn't have the option of having a blog, I decided to start this one. I guess Facebook doesn't have a blog so people don't have to read annoying posts. Opps....well, no one HAS to read this.

So tomorrow I am meeting up with an old friend from high school. That should be fun. I haven't seen anyone from high school in a very long time. My 10-year reunion is next year. I can not believe its been TEN YEARS!!! What have I done since high school? Well, I guess some people could say I have done alot. To me, it doesn't seem like its been long at all since high school....but in some ways it feels like forever ago. Its funny how some things are like that.

Tonight, I had some drama with my front door lock. My neighbors are so nice and helped me break in my kitchen window. Then, we decided to play the Jelly Bean game and it was soooo gross. Hilarious! But gross. A couple of us gagged. I feel like throwing up right about now.

I have a doctor's appt tomorrow. Hopefully the results from my tests will be ready so we can find out (or rule out) whats wrong with me....if anything.

Someday I will be married and that will save me from getting asked out by clients' recently divorced fathers! Ugh! If I am your KID'S therapist, I do not EVER want to go out with you. If I had a ring on my finger, it wouldn't even be an issue. But I have to go through the whole gammet of "I am in a serious relationship" "I don't date clients" blah blah blah. So annoying.

Those are my thoughts on that.....