Friday, November 14, 2008

I went out to karaoke last night. Its been a while since I have wanted to go out and stay out late. It was a nice change of pace to feel like myself again and actually desire to go out and spend time with people in a very social setting. That "fun" "social" part of me left for a little bit and I did not know if it would ever return. I didn't know if it was a growing up and maturing thing....or if a part of ME had died, out of fear or boredom or lack of motivation. It feel strange when I change. I always try to analyze it good or bad, healthy or harmful. I guess with my Psychology background, I question motives and behavior. Maybe thats why its hard to trust other people. Maybe its why I question people's actions - always wondering if there is more to the story.
Before I continue let me explain that I feel great. Emotionally, physically, psychologically - I feel good. I won't sit here and type out all the reasons why I SHOULDN'T be feeling good, because frankly these reasons just don't matter. I FEEL good and thats all I care about right now. of course there are other questions that come to mind. I preface this to let you know I have questions but my questions aren't self-loathing or ones that come from depression. They are merely questions I have about myself.
Everything I have in life in THEORY. Let me rephrase that : Everything in life is theory! We don't know anything for certain. We think we do. We convince ourselves and others that we are experts in a certain subject, but we really don't know if our "facts" are factual.
Sometimes I wish God would whisper reasons into my ear. Reasons for behaviors. Reasons for thoughts. The larger picture...and reasons for what happens.
I am not entirely happy (but remember, I am not wallowing in it) with the way I act when certain people are or aren't around. I turn into that girl I have always been. When will I get passed this? While I don't have the same thoughts and motives that I had in my younger behavior seems to sometimes display that same characteristics. Will it stop? Is it a problem? Is there a larger reason why I do it?
I feel like I act too much that I am constantly keeping score. I do this because you did that. I'll buy this time because you bought last time. I feel like I am always trying to even out that score. Like an Even Steven.
I am much too involved with other people's affairs. I want to know why someone took a day off or who they went to breakfast with or a museum. I mean, C'MON! Why do I need to know other people's lives?? I am not even talking about a lover. I am just talking about....people I know. Was it that my mother was TOO involved in my life? It would make sense. She had her nose in EVERYTHING. She would drive by places I was supposed to be to make sure I was there. She would listen at my bedroom door when I was on the phone. No one gave my privacy at home. Dad, brother, mom would barge in my room anytime they wanted. Sometimes I would be undressing, HOW AWFUL IS THAT!!?? So yes there wasn't much personal space or privacy. SO maybe I never learned how to give people that. Even today, when I was at my parents house, my mom will talk to me when I am in the bathroom. I know I do that with my boyfriends. I'll follow them in there and want to continue talking while they are peeing. CRAP!!! Oh my gosh!!! I don't want to be like that. I want to give my kids space and privacy. But I have a feeling I will go through their backpacks, read their journals. I am pretty sure my mom did that to me. She found cigarettes, letters from friends, certain clothes I had. Man, that sucked! Now that I am thinking about it. She was like a police dog.